Gorleston man's mental health group helps thousands

A picture of his children flashing on his phone stopped him - and sparked a journey of recovery that now sees him leading a 3,000-strong men's mental health group, helping others break the silence that almost destroyed him.

In 2020, though, Mr Burman was going through his "own fair share of hell".

The Gorleston man, who was 40 at the time, was suffering from depression and had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following a botched spinal operation in 2016.

The surgery had left part of a disc inside his back and this had damaged his spinal cord.

Once an active man who thrived in the gym and loved running and swimming, Mr Burman was told he would walk with a limp for the rest of his life.

Doctors told him he wouldn't be able lift weights and he would struggle to carry his children.

"All that just got taken away from me in the blink of an eye," he says now, reflecting on the moment that everything changed.

"Going from a big strong guy to having someone help me go to the bathroom, it was degrading and debilitating.

"I had everything, a partner, two children including a newborn child. I got married in 2019. 

"But everything went downhill.

"And in 2020 I wanted to take my own life. I knew how, I knew when and where." 

Fortunately, on the passenger seat of his car, his phone lit up - it wasn’t a phonecall or a message - but the screen showed a picture of his children. 

"That was a sign," he says. "You need to start getting help."

Northgate Hospital in Great Yarmouth. (Image: Google Maps)

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He went to Northgate Hospital in Great Yarmouth and started weekly counselling sessions, where he learned to talk about his inner life.  

"They guide you but you have to be the one to be your own saviour. 

"I learned to talk. Talking is what saved me. If you do not talk you’re a ticking time bomb."

He said that before the sessions at Northgate he had been "a closed book".

"I work in the oil and gas industry. It’s keep it all under your hard hat. 

"My dad had a tough upbringing in a military family. It’s basically drummed into men to ‘man up’, that kind of rubbish. They are the two worst words for me."

While working on his own mental health, Mr Burman created his own survivor guide, something he thought might help other people enduring what he had gone through - and he had the idea to start a Facebook group for men to share their own issues. 

The Man Cave, set up by Stu Berman in 2022, now has 3,330 members. (Image: Stu Berman)

That group, The Man Cave, which he set up in December 2022, now has 3,330 members.

"I had been putting it off. I didn’t feel I was ready to help anybody else," he says.

"But I was reading a self-help book about a sporty guy who gets into an accident much the same as me, except he got paralysed. 

"I couldn’t get it out of my head. That could have been me. 

"That was the sign to do it," he says. 

The main aim of The Man Cave is to offer a platform to men who never knew how to speak up before, a safe space where they can speak anonymously about issues including addiction, money and relationships.

Mr Burman also wants to help to break the stigma around men talking about emotions and mental health.

He is the group's only admin and spends around 40 to 60 hours a week preparing posts, reading and commenting on posts.

“It takes up a large amount of time. But this kind of thing is so needed," he says. "It's growing by the day."

Find The Man Cave on Facebook.

Do you need support? The NHS First Response service can be reached by dialling 111 and selecting option 2.

Alternatively, contact Samaritans on 116 123. Both services can be reached 24/7.